The Girl From Eagle Mountain
by emeraldeyes83
Summary: Some of the bits before Demon Dog Hunter Tiger. Jade travels to the City looking for Gray Zachary but finds herself captured by Top Hat and drawn into the world of Tribe Circus. Pre and post-Tribe, bridging some of the gaps between Lost Years & DDHT. Written for a dear friend, many years ago.
1. All roads lead to the City

The City was in chaos by the time she got there, half-starved and dehydrated, every fibre of her body aching with exhaustion. She knew it was the wrong place to be before she'd even arrived, but what other choice did she have now?

Everything that she had once had was gone, Pandorax had seen to that. Not just the adults, civilisation and her bright dreams for a normal future: but literally everything she had ever had.

The dark haired girl hadn't made it back to her home – small town, suburban NZ with its lush green trees and beautiful houses – the iconic Cherry Valley settlement, flagship town for Pandorax Inc, in time. She'd arrived at the outskirts as the explosion had torn through its centre bringing down not only the large corporation building it housed but the school she had once gone to, the ice cream parlour they'd all hung out in, Bill's parent's fish and chip shop, the playing fields, her tree, the youth club where she'd first met…

Her home. Her lovely bedroom with the fairy lights around the headboard and the crochet blanket her grandmother had made her; her kitten – well, he'd be a cat fully grown now – Gingerbread, her photographs, those stupid snow globes she'd collected since she was a kid.

Judy's ridiculous birthday presents – always unsuitable clothes or makeup – and the postcards she was always sending her telling her to _Brighten up_ or _live a little_ surrounded by hearts and stars and winky faces.

Those friends of hers were what brought tears to her green eyes as they took in the savaged settlement: what hadn't been destroyed in the explosion was now burning in the aftermath. She had said a silent prayer hoping that they'd been far away when it had happened and then, to some greater force than even God, had made a wish that this explosion had had nothing to do with Gray Zachary.

Her heart ached for her parent's too – of course it did – but the spread of the dreaded virus had already ravaged much of the adult population before she could reach them. She was sure that it would've been already too late for them, living so close to the epicentre of what was assumed to be the outbreak.

She'd come as quickly as she could, but even that had been too late or, perhaps, being a little late had been the thing to save her.

Her eyes had hurt from the smoke and the tears. Once, not even that many months ago, she would've broken down on that hilltop – she would've heaved with desperate sobs. Once this would've broken her heart into a million pieces, savaged through her innocence, brought her to her knees. But a lot had changed in six months, a year. Everything.

She'd dashed away the tears from her cheeks, but as soon as she'd done that they were there again, tracking their way down her face. Her heart was already torn to pieces, that was the truth, she'd cried many tears for her parents and friends and old life over the last few weeks.

 _I'm sorry_ , had been her final thought as she swept her eyes over the landscape, Mum, Dad: I love you. Judy, you were right, you were always right about everything. Bill, Kyle … _Na lu e-govanned Vin_.

Standing in the flames and ash of the explosion, she'd pulled out her map. She had a number of leads to follow: Cherry Valley had literally just gone up in smoke.

"Next stop, the City" She'd said grimly, putting up the hood of her coat and starting in that direction.

It had taken many days and many nights to get there. She'd stopped counting at ten moons; her feet were so blistered in her old trainers that she barely even felt the pain anymore.

She became clumsy the longer it went on, she forgot to jump behind a tree or dive for cover whenever more than two kids crossed her path. She was filthy: matted hair and dirty faced, she hadn't eaten in days.

Every step brought more chaos: precious, wonderful books burning on heaps, torn and defaced or just thrown into the fire with delight. Kids proclaiming that the old world was dead; this was the future. _Power and chaos_.

Sirens sounded in the distance, the stench of old, dead bodies made her heave. Children younger than her with silverware adorned hair and funny markings on their faces spat at her in the street, ravaged her bag for food and batteries – of which she had neither.

She felt certain then that she would not make it out of the City alive. She had come so far and yet … she would die here, in a gutter, stripped of her belongings, dirt in her hair. In the days to come she would think that death would be a more favourable option.

* * *

"My, my, my … and what do we have here?"

Had the girl been able to open her dry mouth, she didn't know what sort of reply she might've made. A girl, just a girl. Not a fighter or a warrior, not special in any way. No remarkable talents, nothing to write home about, just a sad, broken girl, looking for something she had lost a long time ago.

An arm in front of her stopped her in her tracks. She reeled giddily against that wall, not caring that the pebbledash scraped her hands as she used it to keep her upright. Her vision swam in and out of focus.

He was tall, so tall. She had to tilt her head right back to look up into his face and … oh she was further out of it than she thought. He was made up like some carnival of the dead ringmaster – dark ringed eyes, smudged red lips. He had this grin that made her stomach turn dangerously.

"Speak up, my dear, we can't quite hear you…"

She gulped and tried to say something. His cronies were a strange mix of rainbow coloured lycra and crazy headdresses. They had bits of metal stuck to their faces. They looked at her like a pack of rabid dogs; she was dinner.

"I…I…"

The boy, the ring-leader, put his fingers to her chin and tilted it upwards "Yes sweetheart. Let's hear it"

"Please"

He grinned baring a row of perfectly straight, white teeth. "Oh yes, I do so like it when they beg" The hounds cackled at that, moving closer. He held up a staff in their direction, halting them "She's mine first"

"Don't hurt me" She managed, blinking her eyes, focusing her attention on him, mustering some strength.

He clicked his tongue "Oh, it'll only hurt for a moment…"

She blinked, big, beautiful eyes "You can only manage a moment, huh? Every girls dream"

This made his smile change, deepen "Oh, not such a frightened little mouse afterall"

She gulped, reeling against the wall again. Blood on her hands. "Are you finished yet?"

He laughed "I like this brave little mouse" And then, his hand on her throat, he shoved her up against the wall. The pain of that, at least, felt real and sure, unlike everything else which just felt all swimmy.

"Tell me, little mouse, why I shouldn't just finish you right here?"

Her mouth opened and closed. She honestly couldn't think of a single reason. There was no air left in her anyway to speak. Her brain felt like it was swelling, getting too big for her skull, her eyes burned, she was done now; her body hurt so much that it was done.

Then the boy let her go. Despite her best efforts she was heaving for air, bringing life back in to her almost spent body. _Weak little girl_ , she thought. She was wrong.

"Any last words, little one?" His voice was but a gentle whisper at the back of her mind, his hands on her shoulders a mere annoyance, like a fly. She swatted at him uncoordinated. She opened her mouth to say something and instead of words coming out, it was music as she started to sing.

The girls voice was haunting and melodic. It was fragile and afraid. It spoke of a life lived much older than her sixteen years. Her eyes closed as the music came pouring out, more readily than words or breath…this was her life, her oxygen, her survival.

And then she blacked out.

* * *

The grass was warm against her back, the sky so dark and rich that it looked almost purple and the stars shone so brightly that it was breath-taking. She found pictures in them, linked the dots, pointed out the constellations she knew and made up the ones she did not, liking the low rumble of his laughter as she pointed out the _bunny rabbit_ and the _singer_ and the _tiger_.

"What about that one?" He wondered, pointing to a lone star that shone brighter than all the others.

"Oh, that's lonely star." She whispered, turning her face she that she could look at him in profile.

 _Gray Zachary_. Her heart started to race.

The edges of him were blurry and she blinked to clarify him. His hair and clothes were so black that under the night sky he was almost a shadow. His eyes were dark too, not black but a dark, dark brown. She'd looked into them often enough to know the flecks of amber in them, the black dot in the iris of his left eye, the frame of dark lashes. Looking into his eyes made her stomach hurt. She'd done it too many times before.

Lonely star was something her father had made up for her when she was a child, upset at him going away for work. He'd sat with her in her bedroom window and they'd named the stars. He'd pointed out that lonely start, so bright and clear and all alone in the sky. He'd told her that every night he would find that star in the sky and think of her; that she could do the same for him and they'd be close because of it.

She'd told Gray this _before_.

"Really it's the North Star" She said, turning her eyes back into the sky, too old now for fairy tales and happily ever after "Wherever you are in the world, if you can find the North Star then you know I can too. It'll be like we're not so far apart"

"We aren't as far apart as you think" Something in his voice let her know that he wanted to touch her, but he didn't move.

She tried to feel the warm from the grass but realised suddenly that she couldn't feel anything anymore.

"Oh" Her voice was soft "I'm dreaming Gray."

She gulped and closed her eyes, squeezing them tight. When she opened them again the stars had disappeared, he was fading too. She reached for his fingers but couldn't get a grasp on them "I don't want to wake up." She admitted, but it was already too late.


	2. How Little I Have

"You can't save all of the stupid, half dead girls in the City you know" The voice was female and hissed, full of annoyance, probably accompanied by an eye-roll.

"Lizzie"

" _James_ "

The boy heaved a sigh "Don't call me that" there were sounds of clattering, metal on china, a glugging noise that sounded like water being poured into a glass.

 _Water, water, water!_ She used all of her strength to move her body or open her eyes, she threw her arm out, pleased when it sent something smashing to the floor.

"Shit!" His voice again, closer now, but he didn't care about the spilt water or the broken glass "She's waking up"

"She's just spilt half a day's wages" The girl wasn't even trying to hide her disgust now "Stupid alley rat"

" _Lizzie_ "

"James"

More sighing and bickering, words and phrases she couldn't make out. Her eyes felt glued shut, her head was thumping, her hands sore. Her body – _oh, her body_ – she tried to take a mental check of everything she was feeling, suddenly back there in the alleyway, in his hands, trapped.

She heaved in breaths of air as the panic started to take over, blocking everything out – she was going to pass out again, she realised, she was going to…

"Breathe" Firm hands on her shoulders, pressing her into the bed, keeping her on the pillows "Take a deep breath"

Her initial instinct was to fight, which she did, but then the female voice was there too, softer now, hand on her cheek. "You need to calm down" She told her "You're having a panic attack and it'll probably kill you if you don't breathe"

She did what she was told, heaving in more air and letting it out slowly this time, over and over until her heart had stopped hammering and feeling returned to her limbs. The mental check started again: headache, sore, dry throat, possibly bruised from where he had held her up, empty stomach which lurched when she got there – beyond empty, starving – but then…nothing. Weak, tired legs, yes. Blistered feet, yes. But no … he hadn't.

Her breathing calmed even further. She reclined into the pillows. Her eyes fluttered, blinking against the harsh light streaming in from the window. Two sets of eyes watched her: both the blue-green-grey of the ocean on a choppy day. Both deep and full of secrets.

"Hi" The boy said softly. He was knelt close to the bed and unmoving. He held his hands up like she was some timid animal and might bolt at any moment. He already knew more about her in ten seconds than most people she'd met lately.

She opened her mouth to say hello, but could find no voice. "Here" The girl said, holding a cup of water to her lips "Not too much – slow down, you'll be sick"

But she couldn't stop. She gulped down the water desperately and when it was gone she licked the rim of the glass for the droplets there. Within seconds though her mistake was clear. The boy had a bin and she was throwing up violently in it.

"There goes a days' worth of wages"

"Liz can you just keep your mouth shut for ten seconds…"

Lizzie pursed her lips together and mimicked locking them with a key. She mimed throwing the key at her brother and then stuck two fingers up at him.

It was him rolling his eyes then. "Mature" He turned back to the girl on the bed "We found you in the streets just inside the sector border. You passed out"

She blinked at him. _Something like that_. "Do you remember your name?"

"I'm Lizzie" The girl offered, kneeling again, bringing soup this time and half a bread roll "This is Tailor" The siblings shared a look that she couldn't read in her dizzy state "You need to eat something"

"I…I'm…" Her voice was hoarse, cracked and small. Her head spun dangerously. She closed her eyes to stop the room spinning.

"Does it start with a J?" The girl coaxed softly "Your necklace, it has a J on it"

The girl in the bed fingered the necklace, the silver J pendant, which had been her mothers. Tears sprung to her eyes. _Mum_. Many times as a girl she had sat in her mother's lap, touching the necklace as she'd read to her. Without looking down she could see it clearly: ornate and loopy, the teardrop of jade handing from it.

"Jade" She whispered "It's Jade"

Lizzie beamed. She had a gap between her front two teeth and a lovely smile. "Here" She lifted the cup of soup to Jade's lips and encouraged her to drink. One small sip and she pulled it away "You need to go slowly. No more puking on my brother"

Tailor chuckled lowly and took the soup from the other girls hands "Puking girls I can deal with"

Brought back to the room, his sister's face darkened "He'll want to know she's awake" She said briskly "He'll want to see her"

The boy sighed; all signs of their earlier banter disappeared. "Just give her chance to eat something. She'll need her strength"

* * *

The soup was thick and hot and homemade. She had to chew, it was so lumpy. But it was delicious, like something her mother would've made mid-week; the three of them round the table, dipping in hunks of warm, buttered bread, swapping stories about their day, or just laughing. The silence that laughter had left behind ached.

The soup filled her up, warmed her and brought her back from the brink. Jade only managed half of the small cup and a few bites of the roll, but she was already back in the room, sitting up on the bed, checks flushed, eyes brighter.

The room was basic: a small cot bed and bedside table, a tiny chest of drawers and a bookcase containing only a handful of books.

The boy – Tailor – watched her silently as she ate, not on his knees now, but on a small upturned crate he used as a stool. She tried not to flinch under that gaze, which was so full of questions that she didn't even know where to begin to break the silence.

"You're safe here" Was what he did say, softly, but the implication in his tone spoke volumes: as safe as she was anywhere in the City "You don't need to be afraid" But perhaps you should be.

"Where is here?"

He looked up to the ceiling, wondering how to answer that question without confusing her further. "It's a casino. Bar. Entertainment venue" In response to her frown, he clarified "Singers, cabaret, magic…I hear you sing"

"And what do you do here? Saw girls in half? Turn them in to bunny rabbits?"

"Something like that" He cleared his throat "Please don't freak out"

Three loud knocks at the door and then, before either of them could say anything more it was being flung open and a large, looming figure was flouncing into the room. "There he is, the Knight in Shining Armour"

That voice: her blood turned to ice. "And a _brave_ little mouse…"

Tailor was getting to his feet, his fingers so briefly on her wrist that she thought she imagined it. She heard his voice in her head: _Please don't freak out_. She wanted to punch him in his stupid, pretty face.

This boy – a man, she supposed really, judging by his age – swept to the bed and knelt beside it. Dramatically he took hold of her hand and pressed his lips to the back of it.

Jade snatched back her fingers and pushed herself up in the bed, hoping to make herself look like more of a formidable presence than she surely was with her starved body.

He bowed his head apologetically "I fear we have gotten off on the wrong foot my lady" He took her fingers again. The sick feeling bubbled up again; once more she pulled back her hand. This time there was a dull gleam in his eyes "Now, now, is that any way to say thank you for me saving your life? I could've left you in the gutter to die, but I'm not quite done with you my dear"

She narrowed her green eyes "What exactly do you want from me?"

"Well, now, it's not so much what you can do for me, as much as what I can do for you" He smiled, the perfectly calm smile of a shark "I want to offer you a job, singing in my casino"

"I'd rather just be leaving, thank you"

That smile deepened "Of course, little one, I'll have Lizzie sort the bill for two nights room and board and did I hear you'd split a bottle of water?" He made a tutting noise "So very expensive these days is water"

She blinked "I don't have any money. If you'd bothered to go through my things you'd know I have nothing to trade"

His smile didn't falter, not even for a moment "Oh, what a shame! Two weeks' worth of gigs and cleaning in the bar ought to do it…"

"I didn't ask to be brought here!" Jade said hotly "You can't just go around dragging half dead girls in off the street and then charging them for it…"

"I beg to differ" He got to his feet "In fact, that tactic seems to be paying off quite nicely at the moment. Its supply and demand: first you supply and then you demand"

"And if I won't do it?"

He pursed his lips in mock thoughtfulness "That would be a foolish. You're very pretty, it would be a shame to see your face all messed up" He reached down to the foot of the bed, retrieving her bag, which he tossed in her direction "You ought to get out of Tailor's bed too" He advised "That doesn't normally end well for the staff"

Hugging that bag to her chest, she struggled to her feet. He was there then, the crazy clown boy, holding her on her feet, his touch making her skin crawl. "They tell me your name is Jade. Semi-precious, rare, beautiful"

"My name is Top Hat. I like to wear a Top Hat" And the laughter that followed that statement was the thing that scared her most of all.

* * *

A small cot bed freshly made up, a tiny bedside table, a dressing table and hanging rail full of sequined dresses. Makeup, perfume, lotion, ridiculous things she had never needed in her whole life. Boxes full of hairclips and earrings and huge necklaces dripping with diamonds. High heels: the sort that would see her falling over and breaking her neck.

Well, at least she couldn't perform with a broken neck. Though, she wouldn't put it past Top Hat not to wheel her out, half dead, to perform for his clients.

Bars on the windows and a bolt on the door: this was her life now.

* * *

They had taken nothing from her bag. Though they'd gone through it, they'd seen no value in her cardigan or her poetry book, no trade in the photographs or stack of handwritten letters, put into envelopes and addressed to _Gray Zachary, destination unknown_.

It made her realise, seeing it all spread out on the bed like that, how little she had left of that life, how little she had. Period.

The photograph she sought out was new when compared to the other one she had of her and her parents on her seventh birthday party, but was just as well-worn. The crease from it being folded and tucked inside her book ran just off-centre, cutting their group in two, chipping parts of the picture off, putting a ridge through the bark of her tree which had not existed in real life.

She remembered that day far more clearly that her seventh birthday, though in many ways it had been unremarkable. Perhaps that was why, perhaps she longed for the mundane predictability of those early school days: for the five of them talking about stupid, pointless stuff like who would win, batman or superman? A shark or an eagle? What was better: pizza or tacos? Ice cream sundaes or waffles?

It was some time after Judy's birthday – the photo taken on her new camera. She'd been obsessed with it the month after, taking hundreds of pictures: them eating lunch on the grass, hanging out in the park, the ice cream sundaes they'd shared covered in hot fudge sauce and sprinkles, shots of their faces squashed close together and not quite in frame as she'd held the camera at arm's length.

Photographs of butterflies on flowers, clouds that looked like dragons, blades of grass, the morning dew on a cobweb. Kyle's science fair project, Bill in his leather jacket, grinning, Gray looking thoroughly uncomfortable as her best friend demanded he flirted with the camera.

She'd captured their trainers abandoned next to each other in the grass, Bill snoring in the sunshine, _her_ reading a book and looking totally lost to the world. Judy had delighted in catching them off guard in the school corridors, in jumping out from behind lockers and clicking a picture: their faces looking half scared to death.

That day the redhead had been attempting to use the timer and the tripod. She'd bossed them into line, saying she wanted to remember this year; she wanted a picture of all of them, together, to remember this weird little group of theirs when they went off to college and got _real friends_.

Judy had never really liked the boys, not outwardly, not like she'd loved her best friend. She'd looked after her like a sister, protecting her fiercely. That was half the reason, she knew, she'd always predicted _he'd_ break her heart.

They all called the tree _hers_. Her escape from reality; her place of solitude. She and Gray had sat there on so many occasions and – no, she didn't want to remember that. Not at all.

Judy had lined them up: Grey, her, Bill and Kyle, leaving enough of a gap in the middle to dive into last minute. But she'd miss-timed her run and gone colliding into her best friend, sending the girls skittling into the boys.

Kyle had been knocked so he was half turned from the camera, laughing in surprise, righting his glasses; Judy had gone crashing into Bill who flushed a deep red at the two of them clutching eachother for support.

She had almost gone over; she would've if it hadn't been for Gray catching her elbow and steadying her. Holding her up.

"I've got you" He'd said, dark eyes so sincere that she'd just stared at him for a few moments, gaping, mesmerised.

Click. It was that moment that it had captured but not her mesmerized look: _his_. His look of awe and adoration as he held her up. In real life she'd missed it because she'd launched herself at her best friend and the girls had gone tumbling into the grass giggling.

The moment lost to all but the camera.


	3. Sunrise hurts as much as You

The girl in the mirror was a stranger: big doe eyes and false lashes, hollowed out cheekbones highlighted with pink powder which made her look like she'd been pinched by cold air though she hadn't been outside for days.

Huge chandelier earrings glittered from behind waves of dark hair, her collarbones sharp and angular.

The dress was hideous. Emerald green sequins which scratched her arms if she held them down by her sides, which made her itch and sweat and feel uncomfortable in her own skin.

She supposed that someone might find it attractive, all that make up, the slinky dress with splits up to her thighs, a girl who looked empty and afraid. There was certainly one person who liked her dolled up and quiet.

Top Hat swung between leering and apologetic but luckily for her he hadn't tried to touch her again. He came to her at night though, he sat at the edge of her bed and told her strange stories about wood nymphs and angels and men with horses hooves instead of feet. He described a butterfly crime scene. He cried great heaving sobs and told her the world was broken and it was his job to fix it.

He said her name – that fake girls name – _Jade, Jade, Jade_ , over and over whilst clutching hold of her sequined skirts. He made her promise that she would never leave him. And then the shark smile would be back and she would be his mouse once more, little one, frightened little mouse.

Tailor opened the door, huge bunch of keys jangling as he did so. He at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself. "You ready?"

Jade smiled grimly "Do I have a choice?"

They walked the corridor in silence, him a half step in front, leading the way. She tried to memorise pictures on the walls, counted the number of doors, took note of the turns and stairwells.

She wobbled in her heels and he took hold of her arm, steadying her. His soft, kind, ocean coloured eyes jarred against his jailors job. "I've got you"

Jade snatched back her arm and sprang away from him "Don't touch me" She hissed, eyes narrowed, the hairs on her arm stood up on end.

Once more Tailor held up his hands, trying to tame the wild animal in an enclosed space. If she'd known where the escape routes were then perhaps it would've been right for him to be worried. "It isn't what you think" He said softly "You can trust me"

The green eyed girl gulped and calmed her breathing. _Trust no one_ , she told herself. "Let's go" She told him.

* * *

 _Oh, here I go again: walking the line, killing time between my sins._

 _Oh, why do I come here? Then ending's still the same; I'm bringing back old tears._

 _I act like I don't know where this road will go._

* * *

The next set of pictures had caused a stir from Judy.

They'd gone from the school to the ice cream parlour and crammed into a booth: her and Gray and Kyle in one side, Bill and Judy on the other, arguing over what to get. They'd always shared three types between them: Judy loved chocolate and cherries, Bill always wanted the hot fudge sauce. Kyle loved banana splits. She liked the one that looked like a rainbow - Bill rolled his eyes and told her it looked like unicorn poop all multicoloured, glittered and scattered with skittles.

Gray's favourite was one scoop each of vanilla, coffee, butterscotch. He had marshmallows and hot chocolate sauce and these little crunchy things, which popped in your mouth if you were patient enough to hold them there.

Sometime later, as they'd ate and chatted about random crap Judy had taken pictures without her realising.

In her mind the affection she had for Gray was obvious: the blaze of a flush across her nose, the dorky smile, the lowering of her lashes as he leant close to say something, the tuck of her hair behind her ear. But the camera wasn't as biased as she was: it caught the fondness of his gaze as she laughed unguarded at something Bill had said, the way he looked at her when he thought no one else was watching.

"He likes you" Judy had said, afterwards, when the pictures were developed.

She'd just laughed and waved a hand dismissively, pleased that the camera hadn't captured her racing heart or the way the full length of his thigh pressed against her own had made her feel.

The camera hadn't captured, either, how they had held hands under the table, how their fingers had become somehow laced together briefly, how when she leant her elbows on the table those fingers of his had accidentally brushed over her knee, how the flush on her cheeks and that sideways smile was surprise and delight at his touch. How the flush on his nose had said the same.

She'd kept one of those pictures too, for the longest time, until it hurt to look at it and remember how just days after it had been taken everything had gone wrong; how the story had ended in death.

* * *

Singing made her feel powerful. She held on to that feeling as the spotlight began to fade, as the applause rose and men got to their feet. She savoured it as they put fingers to their lips and whistled. She forced a smile in Top Hat's direction, nodding her head demurely as he yelled Bravo! Bravo!

She was accosted as she crossed to the bar: asked her name, her room number, asked if she would shake a hand or join them for a drink. Declining only made her more desirable, she realised.

Lizzie worked behind the bar, frown creased onto her forehead, her long flowing dress jarring against the formfitting clothes the rest of the girls wore. She gave Jade a dirty look as she approached and slid a drink across the bar at a punter.

"Drink?" She asked arching an eyebrow like it was a challenge.

Jade blinked "Water please"

The other girl snorted "Of course. The princess has expensive tastes. Put it on your tab, shall I?"

"I'll get it" Tailor was there suddenly, keys jangling with him "Put it on _my_ tab"

"I don't need you to buy me a drink" The singer snapped, but the boys eyes were hard, meaning clear.

"Yes you do" He said firmly "If you ever want to get out of here then you never start a tab"

Lizzie shook her head "You should mind your own business" She warned her brother "He won't like you buying her drinks"

* * *

 _Pour me something stronger, pour me something straight, all these crooked voices, make them go away._

 _I can barely stand up, I can hardly breathe, pour me something stronger than me._

* * *

"See? It's not that bad!" Judy called over the music, clutching her best friend's hand and taking it all in. Their local youth centre had been transformed – badly – for the evening with some twinkling fairylights and strings of paperchains. It was a good job it was dark, it hid the stained linoleum floors and graffiti on the walls.

"It's like teen-hell" she decided grimly. Girls in tiny skirts flounced around, flipping their hair, boys with football jackets on wolf whistled and packed near the dancefloor. Somewhere amongst the grime, people made out, partially hidden in shadow. The punch tasted like cough medicine.

Judy ladled another glass of 'punch' and smiled sweetly " Nat! Where's your teen spirit?"

Natalie (as Jade was then known) made a face "Teen spirit? Please tell me you don't buy all of that rubbish!" And then "I think the punch has been spiked"

The other girl shrugged and adjusted her short sparkly dress "Maybe… Oh for goodness sake I don't know! But, well … it's fun, isn't it?"

The party, a celebration of the amalgamation of two of the smallest high schools in town, would see Pandorax Inc.'s biggest school open in small town New Zealand. The posters had promised bright futures, opportunities for training and travel that wouldn't normally be offered in smaller schools, positions in engineering or science or genetics if you wanted to 'join' the corporation. Judy, lovely, optimistic Judy, had given herself into the excitement and glamour of it all, Natalie, however, was unimpressed.

She did give her best friend a wry little smirk though "I suppose worse crimes have been committed than a bit of vodka in some juice"

The redhead grinned "Like _that_ dress with _those_ shoes…"

"I don't see the point, that's all." She explained looking at her only real girl-friend; her face was lit up by a nearby glitter ball. "Why do we need to indulge in some teenage mating ritual to celebrate us having to work with a couple of hundred strangers?"

"It's a 'social gathering' Nat! It doesn't have to be an orgy – unless…"

Natalie groaned "Why does everything have to be about boys with you? I like Cherry Valley!" She protested. "I like our small, friendly school with its rubbish clubs and battered up library. I like this stupid, dingy hall when it's not filled with paperchains and cheerleaders and ruffles and hormones. I love my boring, normal life. Cherry Crescent just isn't going to be the same somehow..."

Judy nodded and gave her friend's hand a squeeze. "I know. But for tonight would you at least PRETEND to have fun? For me?"

The brunette shrugged and returned to her juice. But Judy wasn't done, she nudged her in the ribs "Nice dress..." she teased, eyes sparkling as her friend pulled at the garment in question the long, black jersey dress with splits to the knee. Her DM boots peeked out from underneath "Those shoes leave something to be desired though…"

Natalie stuck out her tongue and told her friend that she thought her heels were ridiculous "And they make me look like a midget"

Judy's eyes sparkled "I thought you didn't care how you looked" She fluffed up her friends hair fondly "You'll do" She decided "And Nats?"

"Yes?"

"Smile!"

She wanted to remember Judy just like that, with light in her red hair and a big grin on her face; ridiculous shoes and ridiculous dress, brightly painted lips. She had been so full of life back then interested in boys and dancing and glittery dresses.

Jade's heart ached for her.

An unfamiliar boy asking the redhead to dance had stopped the brunette from telling her that she liked the friend she already had, that she didn't want things to change. "See?" She called after her, grinning as well "This is why I never go to dances...your best friend leaves you alone, for a boy..."

Judy stuck up her fingers gleefully behind the boy in question's back.

The brunette returned her attention to her juice, smile on her lips now, feeling somewhat lighter and happier now she was there. It wasn't exactly as awful as she had imagined. It might even turn out to be…

And then her eyes met his.

* * *

 _Sunrise hurts as much as you, you both come up when I don't want you to._

 _Oh, I can still here you say that you and I would both be better off this way._

 _These things that I run to, what I put my heart through…_


	4. The boy with moonlight in his hair

She'd been there a fortnight the first time it happened.

Somehow her tab had crept up and up: expensive dresses, a band to pay for, food and board. Even without gallons of water and proper meals, without gin in her soda or whiskey over ice the bill climbed in staggering increments.

Two weeks were meant to have been paid for with heartfelt renditions of country ballads, with sultry retellings of jazz songs. She sang until her throat was sore, but couldn't pay down her debt.

When he came in the dark, she knew it meant bad things. He stank of cigarettes and alcohol, the rank, stale smell of the casino downstairs. His eyes were manic, pupils dilated; there was nothing of the sad boy in his smile, only the shark.

"Jade"

The way he drew out the vowel sounds made her stomach churn. The thought of Tailor outside of the door, locking them both in, made her heart pound with dread.

Jade smiled, the timid little mouse, the quiet meek girl who pacified him needed. "You look tired" She said softly "Do you want me to sing you to sleep?"

Top Hat petted her hair, brushed it from her shoulders and stroked the bare flesh there "No more singing" He decided.

She placed her hands on his managing to keep her smile fixed, painted on like the performers make up she always wore now "I'm disgusting. Let me clean-up"

"I like that dress" It was the hideous emerald green one, covered in rustling sequins. The one which showed too much flesh and too much thigh.

Her prison uniform.

"You'll like me better without it" She promised, stalling, mind racing too fast to formulate a plan.

He cocked his head at her, frowning, clicking his tongue. "No, that won't do at all. You're my frightened little mouse…I like you much, much better when you're frightened"

Jade blinked steadily "There's nothing to be afraid of"

Top Hat laughed. Loud and sudden. She jumped back a step. "Now, either you're very naïve or a dumb bitch if you think that" He flicked a switch blade from his pocket, twirling it in his fingers "Get on the bed"

"Why don't you get on the bed, sweetheart?" She purred, heart hammering louder than her voice "Make yourself comfortable"

"Stop that!" He took another step towards her, blade aimed in her direction – she took a step back, colliding with the wall. "You'll do what I say" He growled pressing the face of the knife to her cheek, cool and real "You'll scream when I tell you to. You'll fight and cry and beg"

"Please" She teased in a tone as far from what he was asking for as she could manage. A strong, sultry girl, the seductive smile of someone she had known a lifetime ago "I want you to"

"STOP!"

Top Hat's voice was a roar so loud that it knocked her from her feet. So fierce that stars exploded behind her eyes and her ears started to ring. So hard that she tasted blood in her mouth.

* * *

 _And then her eyes met his._

In the time that had passed she had rewritten that moment into move-grade-epicness. She had added stomach backflips and butterfly swarms. The reality was that the boy, his dark figure almost engulfed entirely by shadows, his eyes on her, unblinking, made her feel hot and giddy.

Had it been love at first sight? Too much had happened for her to be able to answer that question truthfully.

What she remembers clearly was the hot flush on her cheeks and her shoulders, the sudden silence in her brain, her desperate need to disappear into the shadows. She didn't care about boys, she didn't write their names in her diary or image what it would be like for them to kiss her; and yet …

She needed to get out. Her fingers felt a path along the wall as she went, desperate for air, needing freedom, escape…

"Watch out!" She registered the voice as her drink slipped out of her fingers and sloshed all over dark shoes.

"Oh…oh my gosh…I'm so sorry…I'm such a…"

"It doesn't matter"

His voice stopped her heart. It only started to drum again when their eyes met for the second time that evening.

The girl took a deep shaky breath and held his gaze this time, her large green eyes taking him in "Hi"

The figure, a boy about her age, dressed all in dark, looked at her curiously, like she was some alien species he couldn't possibly begin to decifer.

He didn't waver under her gaze. "Hi."

"I'm sorry"

"Yeh – you said"

In months to come she would come to find his passive responses endearing, right then though it just made her frown. If she could find some words she might've called him a jerk.

Instead something much stronger than she guided her hand, gave her words she would never have found on her own "I was just going outside for some air" Her tone was no where near as shaky and as reckless as she felt "You could join me. If you wanted to"

He blinked in surprised, suddenly looking his true age and as uncertain as she was "Uh. I don't really…" He cleared his throat and tried again "Do you want me to join you?"

She smiled one of those heart-stopping, breath taking smiles, for him alone "I would like that very much"

Gray raised an eyebrow, nodded in acceptance and he too caught up in something stronger than them both, followed the beautiful girl out in to the cool night.

* * *

It was only when she came to, head pounding and dried blood on her face that she realised he'd hit her so hard with the back of his hand that she'd passed out. Behind her eyelids she could see the elaborate metal rings he wore: one shaped like a spider and one like a sunbeam. Rubies and diamonds. She wondered if any of those shapes were imprinted onto her face.

She woke to his sobbing. To an incoherent string of words she couldn't make sense of. "I need fresh air" was the first thing that came out of her mouth.

The sobbing stopped suddenly. He eyed her with intent. "The roof" He challenged throwing a key onto her bed "Try not to throw yourself off of it"

Her whole world spun dangerously as she got to her feet; the make up and blood left a dirty ring in her sink; the emerald green dress was balled up and shoved under the bed out of sight. She changed back into her own clothes, not Jade's and looked at herself in the mirror.

Cut lip, blackening eye. A skinny, hollowed out girl, lost and trapped and done for. There was no point being afraid and none being brave, either way her story was heading in the same direction.

She took her letters and her photographs with her; she wanted him to be with her, afterall, in those final moments in this world.

The roof was one of the few places she had memorised the way to – not least because it was aptly sign posted and just at the end of her corridor. The door was locked and bolted from the inside and heavy to push open. But now she had the key it was easy work.

Jade gulped in the fresh air, rushing up the steps into the dark night. The space and freedom and dark, starlit sky made her heart race happily. She threw herself into the railing, leaning over it, liking the way the whole world rushed past and then back, how the ground fell away into nothingness below.

A fall from here would be the end of everything, she knew. She could do it.

"Jade?"

She spun on the railing at the sound of his voice, relieved she realised. _Stupid, weak girl_ , she told herself, not for the first time "What are you doing up here?"

Tailor tried to crack a smile but it wouldn't come "I get stuck up here sometimes" He said flatly "Tell me you're ok"

Jade blinked. "I'm not ok" And now her voice quivered with everything that had happened that night. She hugged her letters to her chest. Her whole body trembled but her eyes were dry "I'm not ok"

"I…" He started looking pained by her words. That he could possibly have the gall to look hurt made her scowl harder.

"You knew what he was going to do to me" Tailor tried to move to her, but couldn't. A clink drew her attention to the handcuff on his wrist, his attachment to a nearby pipe. "You're just as bad as he is" Was her next shot, but this time her eyes weren't as hard.

"I suppose I deserve that" He said "But _you know_ , sometimes things aren't as simple as being the good guy, saving people, doing the right thing"

"So, the alternative is picking up half dead girls on the street and raping them? That's quite possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever heard"

His eyes were cloudy, choppy like the ocean on a rainy day, illuminated by the moon. "I didn't touch you" He snapped "I would never-"

"You locked me up! You kept me alive so that psycho could … keep me as his pet"

"I saved your life!" Tailor corrected "For what it's worth. I thought you'd at least think something of that, considering…"

Jade just gaped at him, skin burning with fury "You went through my things" she said flatly "You read my diary and my letters. You looked at my pictures" Hot tears sprung to her eyes, the intrusion into her pre-Virus life, her heart, her love made her feel as bad as if it had been him, pinning her to the wall.

"I didn't read everything" He said quietly "Enough but not…I'm sorry"

She made a sound of annoyance and threw herself back against the railing, letting the cold metal bite underneath her ribs "I need to get out of here" She said to the wind.

Only moments earlier, filled with adrenaline, throwing herself from the building had felt like a valid option. Now, with the wind whipping in her hair, the stars bright and beautiful above and the City opened out like a present, it seemed completely ridiculous. She wanted to be free, not dead.

"I can help you" Tailor's voice was very quiet, so quiet in fact that she thought she'd imagined it. It was only when he repeated it again, firmer, that she turned to look at him "But you'll have to trust me"

Slouched in his spot on the roof, eyes sincere and burning in to hers, fair hair shrouded in a halo of moonlight he looked angelic and very, very trust-worthy. But Jade had learned not to give her trust away quite that easily again.

"You work for him" the green-eyed girl said holding his gaze "You're the Head of his Security. You brought me here and you lock me up and…"

"Yes. All of those things. But I'm also a pretty nice guy" His voice made her feel suddenly hot "I would never hurt you"

Jade believed him; she hated herself for it, but in that moment she believed every word he said. _Trust no one_ , she reminded herself. "He'll kill me. If I don't get out"

"Worse than that" Tailor admitted sadly.

"Why are you locked up?" She wondered.

"Believe it not, I'm not complicit in the way he treats girls. _You_ "

"So why do you stay? So you can save broken, beaten up girls? Nurse us back to life only to save us from the clutches of the psycho?"

His smile was crooked, but very pretty. "Because my sister is in love with the psycho and I don't want her broken and beaten up"


	5. Not Done

The two: Natalie, Jade, the pretty singer, and Gray, Tiger, the swordsman, on the soft grass.

She was on her back, hands on her stomach watching the stars sparkle on their velvety stage, vaguely aware of the boy next to her doing the same. She pointed out the constellations in a whisper, her voice barely louder that the soft music floating out from the building behind them.

He knew some of them too and said them all matter-of-fact, going quiet when she asked him if he thought there was something out there, bigger than all of them.

The silence should perhaps have felt more awkward, but it didn't. The conversation maybe should've been about banal, normal things like what lessons they liked at school (they both liked English Lit) or what they did in their spare time (she sang, he fought) or what their families were like (hers annoyingly normal, nice, safe. His: non-existent. Cold.).

She could look back now and know that from that moment their souls had connected and the banal, safe conversations she had been used to didn't matter. Gray didn't know any of the answers to the questions in her heart, but it didn't matter, he had the same questions and perhaps they could've figured them out together if only …

"Do you ever feel like you don't belong somewhere?" She asked, suddenly destroying the silence. "Anywhere?"

Gray, startled, gave her a surprised sideways look. In fact, it took him a few long seconds to realise that she had asked him that question aloud, as if she had read his mind. He cleared his throat. "Does anyone belong anywhere? Can you ever truly know someone else deeply enough to feel tethered? Can they know _you_?" He blinked to break their gaze "Everyone is out for themselves"

Natalie propped herself up onto her elbows. "Is that right? If it was, if everyone is out for self-gain, surely we wouldn't care if we belonged or not?" She frowned "Only if we were richer or more popular or..."

Gray watched as she ran out of steam and saw the peculiar look in her eyes as she thought about what she just said. Her next thought was said in a breath so quiet he had to strain to hear it "Maybe truly knowing someone is the thing that makes you feel like you belong"

"Maybe we'll never truly know that we belonged somewhere, until that place is taken away from us."

Silence once again engulfed the two as they thought about this.

"So" Natalie began again after a long pause. "Lets start" Her green eyes were determined in the moonlight. "Right now. Lets get to know eachother. I want to feel tethered to something"

The boy smiled a little. Surprised. Embarrassed. "I'm not sure I'm the right person to get tethered to" Pleased, she realised with shock. He'd wanted to feel the same thing.

"I'll be the judge of that"

Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours, as the moon got brighter and the sky darker, the unlikely pair, singer and swordsman, chatted away with great ease.

Argued, disputed, agreed and laughed.

She imagined that she could see a hidden depth in his eyes, the promise of stories waiting to be shared, secrets told, the longing for a friend. She imagined all sorts of things during the life of their friendship. She imagined he was overcome and enchanted by her, that he too felt like they'd grown up together, not just met moments ago.

 _Stop. Don't do that_. He _had_ felt like that, he'd told her so.

What they'd talked about, she couldn't recall. At the time it had felt profound, bigger than them both. Time had slowed down, had a strange dreamlike quality which had made her pinch herself on more than one occasion.

They didn't notice that the slowing down of the songs from inside, the chill in the air, the still of traffic on a nearby highway. They didn't really care.

"I didn't want to come here tonight." She had confessed, knowing somehow that he would get that. Neither of them had. It had been something like fate intervening there. "But I'm glad I did."

Gray smirked a little. He did smirk sometimes then. "Dances. Not really my thing either."

"Oh?" She'd teased. "And why is that?"

"I can't exactly…well, I don't..."

Her laughter was as clear as the stars in the night time sky. She tucked her hair behind her ears. "Everyone can dance!" She decided "Just like everyone can breathe and belong and _love_ "

Gray looked at her meaningfully. "I can't."

But she missed it as she got to her feet and pulled him along with her "Come on" Neither blanched at the touch of their hands, though they were strangers, both new to this.

Gray shook his head but didn't remove his hands from hers. "I'm not dancing"

"Dance with me, I'll prove that you can" Her emerald eyes shone in the starlight. He had been in a vaguely similar situation not that long ago with a girl so different to her that he looked a bit startled. She said nothing more, just left it out there like a challenge.

One minute they were debating the practicalities of dancing with a complete stranger – and then countering that they were hardly strangers now, were they? – the next Gray was turning her in a circle with a shake of his head.

"You're a difficult one to say no to" _But he would. On many more occasions than she wanted to remember._

Once facing eachother again, the brunette took a step closer, putting her hands on his shoulders "What else do you think you can't do?" She whispered, looking up into his eyes. "I'll prove every one of them false. You can do _anything_ "

Unsure, his hands, now free, found her waist, fingers fluttering there. It should've been awkward but it wasn't.

The only thing it felt was sincere.

"NAAAAAATTTT!" Her shrill tone broke into the moment, shocking them both and causing Gray to step forward onto Natalie's toes. She laughed.

"Sorry" Gray said quickly. "I told you I was no good at it"

Natalie didn't flinch "You're wonderful." And then as he began to stutter a reply and a blush crept over her shoulders she replaced it with "You're a wonderful dancer" and "Besides, I'm wearing practical boots, so…"

Judy came closer continuing. "I've been looking all over for you! We've gotta go!"

She didn't move "I'll be there in a sec" and then "Will I see you again"

Grey smiled, so rare and precious it made her breathless even to remember it "I would've thought so. We go to the same school now" When he went he took that calm, grounded feeling with him. In its place was that thought again: that she didn't belong here or anywhere.

"Who was that?" Judy stage whispered as Gray started off in the opposite direction.

Natalie shrugged. "Just someone. Another lonely person."

"Cute" Judy declared. "Were you two making out just then?"

She shoved her friend and tutted, cheeks pink. "I'm Nat by the way!" She called after the stranger as Judy, cackling, turned back to the building.

He stopped at her voice and faced her slowly. "Gray Zachary" He said giving her a look that made her insides melt away to nothing. " _Gray_ "

* * *

 _Pour me something stronger, pour me something dark, pour it up so high until I can't feel my heart. I can barely stand up, I can hardly breathe: pour me something stronger than me._

* * *

The toes of her trainers had worn thin weeks ago: they leaked when it rained.

Jade didn't have to worry about being caught in the rain anymore; she hadn't stepped outside – apart from the roof – for many weeks now.

The roof had become a sanctuary for her, somewhere to hide out, somewhere to watch the weather and remember cold, wet feet and cheeks bitten with frost.

In some ways she should've been very grateful, for food and somewhere warm to sleep, for protection – of a sorts – for a job, a way to whittle her hours away with. For friends … if you could call Tailor, with his jailors job and sincere promises and Lizzie, with her frowns and dirty looks and rare, silvery laughter _friends_.

"Jade?" It was Lizzie, making her way awkwardly up the stairway, carrying two cups of tea. The reason for her flowing dresses had become quickly apparent when Jade had seen her in the casino in normal clothes – vest top and leggings – a fairly pronounced pregnant stomach.

The singer knew nothing about babies, apart from that her cousin had had one – a bright eyed squirmy little thing called Ava, but she didn't want to think about what might've happened to her, on the other side of the country, when the virus had hit.

She knew nothing about babies, except how they got there and how they came out and that no way was Lizzie old enough to be having one.

But the barmaid barely mentioned it. Sometimes she caught Jade looking at her stomach with a frown and would wave her hand breezily and change the subject. Tailor got more vocal outbursts, but he also got fond little squeezes and ruffles of his hair like he was a puppy.

The other girl sat next to her and handed over one of the teas. "It's nice out here tonight"

Jade smiled "It's good to be able to get out, if you know what I mean"

"I'm sorry" She sighed, a rare glimpse of acknowledgement for their strange situation "I'd like to go out more too"

Both turned their attention to the hot drinks and the horizon: smoky grey and peach clouds illuminated in the last light of day.

"We weren't always this screwed up you know" Lizzie's voice held a small half smile, only vaguely bitter. When she spoke again it was with longing and nostalgia "We were like the three musketeers once. Best friends. Inseparable. I guess I was lucky they let me tag along but … they never made me feel young or stupid or in the way"

Jade watched her face, flushed with the memory, bathed in the pinks and yellows and orange of the sunset. She didn't look as tough as she normally did. She was still brave – after all sharing those memories of before, which were quickly becoming taboo in this new world, without even a hitch in her voice was almost fearless – but fragile too in that moment.

Lizzie told her memories always in snapshot form: when Tailor had saved a bird with a broken wing, the tree house they had all built and camped out in, she described the street on which they had lived and the school they went to. She said how devastated Top Hat – but she called him Alex, always _Alex_ – had been when his mother had died.

He hadn't been the same after that. Not long before the fall of the adults he'd gotten the flu – he'd been almost eighteen and at the time they'd wondered if it had been the virus – he'd been so sick for so many weeks. When he got better in body, his mind had been mangled forever.

"Alex, he…he always used to find me at lunch. He'd carry my cello case and tell me I was the coolest girl he knew and…" Her voice cracked a little then, trying to hide away in the good memories "He was mortified when I kissed him the first time, worried that James would break his nose for going after his little sister"

"Did he?" Jade wondered, genuinely interested in how things had gotten to where they were now.

Lizzie grinned "He gave him a black eye. And then said he'd do worse if he ever hurt me. Funny thing is, I made him promise – James that is – I made him promise that he'd never hurt Alex. He did. And I still make him keep that promise, even now, after everything"

The singer gave the other girls hand a gentle squeeze "It's hard when someone you love changes into something you don't recognise anymore"

The soon to be mother looked at her hard "I'm glad Tailor found you" she said "He needs something to believe in"

Jade flushed "I'm just something else for him to save. A little bird with a broken wing" _Little mouse_ , she thought, with a knot in her stomach, _frightened little mouse._

* * *

 _I miss you, is that what you want to hear? Because I do. But more than that: I hate you._

 _I hate how you left me behind and never came back. I hate how I waited for you, how I_ _ **still wait**_ _after all of this time._

 _Even now I still see you around corners and in shadows and reflected back at me in glass. I imagine your face in the crowd when I sing. I think about your dark, impossible eyes and the way you wanted to save us, me, the whole world._

 _I'm still dreaming about you._

 _I dream about the way you used to say my name– not the exasperation, though I remember that too – the soft, half sigh; the patient way you worked your mouth around it._

 _I think about your mouth. A lot. There, I said it. I wish you'd let me kiss you more. I wish you'd kissed me more too. I wish more than anything that I could know for sure you had at least wanted to, that a small part of you wanted the same things I had._

 _I wish you out of my heart too; don't be under any illusions about that. I think about kissing other boys too, I_ _ **will**_ _kiss other boys but you know what? You've ruined that for me. You've ruined everything._

 _How can I move on from us when we were never … an us? How can I fall in love with another boy when I'm still not sure if I'm in love with you? How can I kiss, really kiss, give myself over to it, when I compare them all to yours? A kiss I've barely had, kisses that build themselves up over and over in my mind and my memories into something epically awesome._

 _I want to remember you as a crap kisser. I hope one day I will find someone who will prove that true. If I keep thinking that you kiss like you fight, that you kiss with the same passion you have for saving people, that you could kiss as fiercely as you looked at me sometimes … then I'm done for._

 _I_ _ **can't**_ _miss you, why won't you realise that? Why won't you take your quiet, beautiful self out of my mind and my life and my heart for good?_

 _Stop smiling in my memories: you never smiled that much in real life anyway._

 _Stop reminding me of how it felt when you held my hand._

 _Stop being there, under everything I do._

 _I wish none of this had happened. I don't want to miss you anymore: I want to be able to let you go, set us both free._

 _Go. Fight through life. Go: from one life to the next to the next and never look back. Find some other girl to look at **like that** , to kiss and hold hands with; to open up to. Tell her all of your secrets. Settle down with her and never break her heart. Take her with you wherever you go. Never leave her behind._

 _You broke my heart, in case you haven't realised. You left me for my own good and it broke my heart. You left me behind to go off in that stupid van, with Cara smirking like a Cheshire cat and me on the doorstep of my home in tears. I sometimes think I didn't matter to you at all._

 _I should've taken my ring back that night, my heart. I should've told you I was done._

 _But I'm not. I'm not done._

 _And I do still miss you, after everything._


	6. Goodbye

There had been one place back then – _before_ – where Natalie had felt completely at peace. Not far from the school grounds, not far from the youth club, not far from her home but somehow so far from all three that she could really breathe. Be herself.

A huge and ancient tree, gnarled and towering, with wide sweeping branches that cast a looming shadow on the grass. _Her_ tree, she had called it on so many occasions.

" _Here_ " She'd breathed as she led him across the cool grass, "You see?"

Gray gazed at the area that she'd brought him to – his eyes were curious. "I see…" he said slowly, his voice thoughtful. "…but I'm afraid that I don't understand."

As they'd walked, she'd wrapped her arms around one of his and as they stopped she realised the intimacy of that contact, the way his pulse beat under her fingers.

She'd blushed, but hadn't dare let go of him. The combination of him, his touch and the tree … was like nothing she'd ever experienced. _Love_ , her heart whispered. Or perhaps that was just make-believe. "Normally, I come and sit here." She'd explained, emerald green eyes searching his face, watching his curious expression.

"You do?" Gray asked, his eyes still gazing at the ancient tree. "What do you _do_?"

"I just _think_."

Gray turned and looked bemusedly at the brown-haired girl. The twitch of a smirk at the edges of his lips made her heart flicker. His fingers brushed against her arm " _I_ do that all the time…more than I breathe or so I'm told."

Natalie couldn't help but laugh, "Well _I_ try to think about _pleasant_ things." She explained "Come and give it a try"

Before he could protest, she drew Gray down beside her – for a while they sat together in silence, their backs against the sturdy tree-trunk, the clamour of the schoolyard now seemingly far off and hushed. Their thighs pressed together.

Then, her heart thumping, she turned towards him. "What are you thinking?"

Gray shook his head slowly. "Nothing"

Natalie rolled her eyes and nudged his shoulder with hers "Come on. Try"

Slowly, Gray tilted his gaze so that it met with hers. His face was calm and open, she knew exactly what he was thinking, as if he had said it out loud. Bravely he brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "What I mean is: I don't need to _think_ about anything pleasant…when I'm here with you like this."

Jade would remember the way those words had made her feel on more occasions than she could count.

But it lasted only a very short length of time, "You know…" Gray coughed awkwardly and averted his eyes as if afraid that he'd been caught doing something he oughtn't. "…I've been thinking about _it_. Look, if _they_ were going to come after you then wouldn't they have done so by now?" he shrugged, "I'm just saying…maybe you're safe after all?"

She gazed thoughtfully at him, "Hmm…maybe you're right." She smiled, turning her own eyes ahead. _I hope so…_

As it turned out, he hadn't been.

* * *

The roof was a lot like her tree. When it was dark and still and the stars glittered in a cloudless sky she almost felt calm; grounded and protected. When Tailor was next to her, his knee pressed against hers she felt safe. _Tethered_.

That word alone made her ache now, but she couldn't stop remembering it. There had been so many weeks of feeling like she was spiraling out of control that to suddenly feel it again, so intensely, when she'd thought she'd never feel that way again was as surreal as waking from a particularly vivid dream.

Truth was she clung to it.

"I've got something for you" He told her, fishing around in the pocket of his hoodie and producing it with a flourish. She smiled at the rainbow of colour on the thing he held: a small packet of skittles

"Are you joking?" Jade said in delight, face flushed as she realised he'd taken her story to heart. She'd told him about how her father, his long work trips abroad, the weeks without him, that on his return he'd bring packets of skittles to prove his love for her.

Tailor tossed the packet into her lap. Giggles that sounded so familiar _her_ yet so alien to _Jade_ escaped her lips. "Okay" she turned to face him, cross legged on the roof. She missed the feeling of his knee against hers "Off with your jumper"

She laid it out and then tore the corner of the packet, emptying the contents onto it. Just the sound made her heart start to beat harder. Without a word, she sorted them into rainbow order: little piles of coloured sweets.

He watched her. Amused as she siphoned off the sweets so that each pile was the exact same number and in her hand she held a mix of the odd ones. To him. "Have some" she said and so he did.

They were like sunny days and not having a care in the world. Fresh cut grass and afternoons in the pool, climbing trees until his hands were sore, the three of them, in a circle, knee to knee to knee whispering about how they would sneak out to some party or another.

For her they were feeling safe. Loved. Clean sheets and the feel of a kitten curled in her lap. Like her whole life was stretched out in front of her, like she could be or do anything she wanted to.

"You're lovely" It bubbled out before she could stop herself and though part of her was keeping him on side, telling him what she thought he wanted to hear, most of her believed it to be true.

"I don't think I've ever been called lovely before" Tailor grinned, bemused. He was blushing though and ate more skittles to cover it.

Jade just stared at him: fair and open and kind hearted. She didn't dare blink in case she missed whatever it was he was hiding from her: the monster she assumed was in there somewhere, deep down. She waited for the flicker of truth but it didn't come, no matter how long she looked. _Trust no one_ ; it was falling on deaf ears now.

"I know you have to leave soon" He said quietly, not looking up from the rainbow between them "I'll miss you when you go"

"I…" The sound caught in her throat and tears were suddenly scratching at the backs of the eyes. "I wouldn't want to leave if it was just you"

Very carefully his fingers curled over hers. She realised then that he felt it too and she didn't feel quite as stupid; she knew without question that his heart was hammering. The feeling of knowing exactly what he - a boy she liked - was feeling made her feel very hot.

Jade turned her hand so that he could properly hold it, so that he could lace their fingers together, so that he could hold on to her.

Tailor kneeled forward, his face under hers. His lips. The skittles tittered as the piles were messed up by his shifting weight. Her heart hammered too.

That first kiss was barely more than a whisper, a secret passed between them, brief and gentle.

For a few long moments they stayed there, lips barely touching, holding hands, Tailor waiting for her to balk and flee like her eyes had threatened on many, many occasions.

When she didn't, he kissed her again, harder.

He tasted like skittles. Red ones. His lips were soft and warm and his tongue slipping into her mouth made her feel like she was spinning.

Tailor kissed her and she let him.

No, that was a lie. She kissed him back, fiercely, wanting more than anything for this to be the thing that would set her free. She matched his tongue and his hands; wanting to be lost in him, in them.

She knew he misread her passion but she didn't stop herself, all she wanted was to stop seeing Gray's eyes whenever she closed her own. She wanted to be wanted and loved and needed. She wanted touch and comfort. She wanted someone who wasn't afraid to show her how he felt.

Tailor was that person; she had come to believe as his hand went into her hair. So, why then, did she feel like she was drowning?

Her heart pounded breathlessly, her lungs screamed but she didn't dare break the kiss. It was only as the taste of his lips began to mingle with the taste of her tears that Jade realised she was crying.

He pulled back from her then, eyes wide and mortified. "I'm sorry" He was breathless "I didn't mean…"

Could she tell him _it's not you, it's me_? It was certainly true and certainly clichéd enough to fit the moment. Instead, he made his own conclusions. "I didn't mean to rush you" He said once he'd caught his breath. "I've got to go. They'll realize I've been gone too long"

Alone, later, the emotions spilled over again. What was so wrong and broken inside her that she couldn't love someone without it turning to dust?

* * *

"You know" Lizzie had said in her straightforward way "I think it's the other way around. I think he hopes you'll save him"

* * *

 _Goodbye_. She wrote in furious strokes. _I'm done. I'm through. Goodbye Gray. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye._

 _I can't hold myself back for you anymore. I can't keep myself locked away and afraid and waiting. I can't wait anymore._

 _Goodbye._

Her tears blurred the room and the ink.

 _I loved you. I always loved you._

 _I love you._


	7. Luck & Fate

She had expected it to look more substantial when they were all together like this: her letters and her poems, photographs and diary. They held so much weight in her heart, meant so much to her, that to see the small pile made her feel sort of sad.

When it all came down to it this was all she had left of them. Him.

Jade went to her knees on the roof and started with the letters. One by one she tore them up: in half and in half and in half again. The sound of the paper ripping was strangely satisfying.

The shredded paper, her broken dreams, the fragile pieces of her heart went scattering across the floor on a gust of wind, but she barely noticed. She just kept tearing, moving from one letter to the next to the next. She would pull the pages from her diary and her poetry book, she would destroy everything: she would watch the tiny fragments flutter through the wind as she tossed them over the edge of the railing.

"Jade"

He was there, always there. That thought just made her keep tearing.

"Jade you need to come inside"

"Go away" She told him, not looking up.

Tailor sighed "Please come inside"

He sounded so disappointed that her hands froze on the paper. She looked at him "Help me" she said hopelessly "Help me or stop following me"

It was more the tears on her cheeks than the harshness of her words that made him come closer. He shoved his hands into the pocket of his hoodie and rocked on the balls of his feet. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nope" Jade went back to pulling the pages from her diary. That Tailor had read all of these words, that he knew her hopes and her fears, just made her pull all the harder on the spine, splitting it in two. "Do you have a lighter?"

"You'll regret this" He told her softly.

"Do you regret kissing me?" She blurted stopping mid-action to look at him again.

Tailor flushed and shifted awkwardly. "No"

"Then give me a lighter"

The blond haired boy just sighed again, a sigh far too old for his eighteen years and handed her what she had asked for. Jade wasted no time in lighting the last letter she had composed – the goodbye note – and flinging it from the roof.

"Wait!" Tailor took hold of her wrist and peeled her fingers from the lighter. He gave her a serious look "You can't just…you might hurt someone" Together they looked over the railing, watching the burning paper float to the ground and flicker for a few moments before it faded to darkness.

His fingers still around her wrist.

The green eyed girl was sighing too now and pressing her forehead to the metal railing "This is so messed up" her voice was quiet now, filled with tears "Everything is messed up"

"I'm sorry"

"You don't have to take it back"

Tailor chuckled "I wasn't offering to take it back" He gave her that crooked grin of his and shifted his grip so that he was holding her hand again. She held back.

Jade looked at him sideways, her cheek pressed against the metal now, hair in her eyes, cheeks wet. "Why are you always here when I need you?"

"Luck" He decided. _Fate_ , her heart whispered.

* * *

Everything was gone: months of letter writing reduced to a handful of scraps and ash. A year or more of pining, disappeared in a few desperate moments. Years' worth of diarising: descriptions of her parents, the way the sunshine caught the red in Judy's hair, how she had felt coming home from that night at the youth club… all gone.

That trip in the van, his thigh pressed against hers and the hammer of her frightened heart: gone.

His smile in the rain; how it dripped down the bridge of his nose and along his jaw. How her teeth had chattered, how his hands had been warm on her arms, how his mouth had felt against hers: gone.

All the wishing and waiting and wondering: gone.

Tailor had pulled her poetry book from the wreckage. The battered, antique looking, leather bound book, held together with string. He'd said it was worth saving. His smile had been shy again; he'd tucked it gently under her arm.

Nothing was gone, she realised. She could tear the words apart; she could watch them go up in flames. She could go with them.

She could kiss a million boys and walk a thousand miles; she could fall in love and change her name but that wouldn't change a damn thing.

* * *

A key in the lock of her door sent her sitting bolt upright in bed. Her heart hammered at the sound. Once she might have slept so soundly that nothing would wake her: she'd slept through her alarm clock on so many occasions, she'd fallen asleep with the radio on, she woken to find the streets ravaged by storms she'd barely noticed. But now, a lock clicking on the floor above made her wake.

Jade willed herself up, blinking, collecting all of her senses together. She would need to be alert and strong to face down against Top Hat like this. She was out of bed and on her feet before the door had opened, a fist forming in her stomach, fingers gripping the wall.

But it wasn't him in the shadows this time.

"It's me" Tailor whispered. Her heart continued to race. "Don't freak out"

"It's the middle of the night"

"Please come" And now she realised his voice sounded off-balance, unlike him "I need you"

Jade wondered if she'd ever get a decent night's sleep ever again and followed him out into the dark hall.

He led her up a flight of stairs she didn't know and along a corridor with unfamiliar pictures on the wall and all the doors painted purple. Inside number 10 it was like a crime scene.

A girl on the bed, blood matted in her long blonde hair. Blood everywhere: on her face and soaked into the sheets. She looked at him in horror, able to make out now in candlelit room the blood on his own hands and clothes.

Jade closed her eyes but couldn't wipe the image of the girl and his hands. "Is she dead?"

"No"

"Did you…"

" _No_ " And now his voice sliced through her heart with precision "Jesus Christ. No"

She finally opened her eyes and for the brief moment they connected with his wished she could take back her words. He looked so sad. So lost. "What can I do?"

This broke the moment. He blinked and wiped his hands down his t shirt, an unconscious move he must've done hundreds of times that night – the tracks of blood on fabric were testament to that. "I've stopped the bleeding. She needs cleaning up. Fresh clothes. I… It's not right for me to touch her like that"

Jade blinked steadily, the earlier fist of dread clutching in her stomach. She didn't want to help fix this girl so that Top Hat could break her again. She didn't want to befriend her and put drinks on _her_ tab and warn her about letting down her guard. She didn't want to swap stories on the roof about growing up and what her parents were like. She didn't want to soothe her and braid her hair and tell her everything was going to be alright when it wasn't.

Nothing was alright here, not even him.

"I can't"

" _Please_ "

"I don't want to be a part of this" She gulped, trying not to raise her voice above a whisper "I'm not complicit in whatever it is you have going on here"

Tailor looked hurt "I'm trying to save her life. Should I have just left her to bleed out in this bed?"

She knew the answer to that, but couldn't agree with him. She wished it didn't hurt so much to see him conflicted about his place here. She wanted so badly just to be pretending to care for him. She wanted to go back to easy flirtation on the roof and making him want to kiss her.

She wanted none of her feelings for him to be real because she didn't want to risk her heart or her life for another boy desperate to save _other girls_ at _all costs_.

"You should've woken Lizzie" Jade went with "She needs to see this, you aren't protecting her by hiding how cruel he really is"

And now his eyes burned with fury "She's with him. Right now. In his bed. Playing house and talking about baby names while this girl struggles for breath and might not make it to morning"

His words were like a fist to her stomach. Her heart ached for Lizzie. She'd gotten too close; she was stuck here now.

"Okay" Jade's voice was tearful "Okay. I'll help"

Tailor had done a good job with the bandages; he'd stitched a deep cut above the girl's eyebrow. Jade didn't want to think about the other girls ripped clothes or her missing underwear or that the man who did this had access to her own room. All hours, whenever he wanted.

Instead she focused on cleaning her up, bit by bit, turning the warm water a milky pink and then filthy red-brown. She had to make do with the one bowl of water but Tailor had pre-soaked the rags, which made it easier.

Afterwards, she took the dirty water to the small adjacent wash room and nudged the door open with her toe. "Can I come in?"

" _Yeah_ "

Tailor was sitting on the lid of the toilet, hunched over, forearms on his thighs. His t shirt was balled in his hands. He didn't look up at her as she squeezed past to pour away the water. She chanced sideways glances at him whilst she washed her hands with some fresh rain water and then put sanitising gel on top.

"It's done" Jade whispered "You should sit with her until she wakes up"

"I can't do this anymore" His voice was thick with emotion "What the fuck am I doing? What have I become?"

"Hey" Her fingers found his shoulder in the dark. His bare skin. Neither blanched. "You're saving lives"

Tailor laughed bitterly. It came out more like a sob. The sound brought her to her knees before him. "Don't cry" she whispered, suddenly aware of being too dependent on him to stay strong for her.

"Too late"

Very gently Jade found his face with her fingers. Though it was dark, she knew the planes of it well enough to avoid the soft curve of his mouth and instead found her way to his cheeks, wiping away his tears with her thumbs. "It's alright" She breathed "I'm here"

His hands found her too, one curled under her arm, thumb in the hollow of her armpit and fingers spread over her shoulder. The other went into her hair, so deep that the tips of his fingers brushed the nape of her neck.

"You need to get out of here" He told her seriously.

"Yes"

"I've been holding off" his voice was even quieter now, she could feel his breath on her eyelashes "I wanted to keep you"

"You've got me" Jade said bravely, sitting up just enough that her lips would meet his jaw "For now. All I can give is for now"

She kissed him like he was afraid as she was, like he was the wild animal threatening to run away. She kissed his jaw, not just the bit that was right near her lips, but in the place where it met his neck, his ear, his still-wet-with-tears cheek. "Is this okay-"

"Yes"

"-should I stop?"

" _No_ "

They fumbled through the moment, with each other, in the cramped dark, Tailor leading her lips to his, kissing over the taste of salt and tears. Soft, gentle kisses for long moments, until they were both dry eyed and calm.

"Will you sit with me until she wakes up?" He asked, having already asked too much from her.

"Yes"

They sat at her bedside, cross legged on the carpeted floor, holding hands until the sun came up.

She didn't wake.

* * *

"Gray…Gray!" Natalie panted - regardless of the bemusedly staring pedestrians,- as Gray dragged her behind him, running at top speed through a bustling street. "Wait!"

"Come on!" Gray barked. He tightened his fingers around her wrist like he would never let her go and urged her on just a few more metres.

"I can't" there was a stitch in her side "…I need to rest for a while"

She could practically hear Gray gritting his teeth as he slowed down.

As they finally came to a halt, Gray gently let go of her wrist but he didn't step back. He stood over her, casting her in shadow as she put her hands on knees and slumped, heaving in breath.

It didn't take long for her heartbeat to get back under control, though her nerves were shattered. When she looked up to meet his concerned gaze, her heart started to drum all over again.

"Gray" She said his name as she straightened up hoping she looked only half as nervous and twice as determined as she felt in that moment.

"That was the second time you've saved my life." She closed the small gap between them "I have to give you something in return."

Gray shrugged, a flush ghosting over his nose "No you don't…"

"Yes I do" But she didn't close the last of the space between their bodies. She couldn't. She wasn't brave enough. "Here…"

Gray's fingers found her shoulder with his fingers "No." he said, his face kind and open as he stopped her from kissing him. "You don't."


	8. Feeling Safe

Kissing Gray was like falling downhill. A breathless, relentless tumble towards something that would inevitably just break her to pieces.

It had been good though. Sudden. Passionate. Like she was everything that had ever mattered to him.

Better than _good_. Like living, like existing, like knowing where she belonged in the world because it was right there with him. Like-

But what good were the memories of kissing a long-gone boy?

* * *

Kissing Tailor calmed the frightened beat of her heart. It relaxed the knot of dread she had been carrying around in her stomach for the longest time. It was soft.

Kissing Tailor was like the beginning of something, not the end. It was like a sunrise and the first whisper of Summer on the Spring breeze.

Kissing Tailor made her feel alive again. The flower of her heart opened up. It was like she wasn't a half starved, hollowed out, zombie girl but herself.

Not Jade. Just Natalie.

* * *

Her weeks in the casino are calendared by Lizzie: her stomach a growing clock which tells them how quickly the days and weeks and months pass by. Jade gets too comfortable there; she becomes used to the eerie light cast through the bars on her windows, the familiar key in the lock of her door, the feel of his hands on her skin.

She starts to feel safe.

She smiles when she sings, she has fun and she plays her part until she thinks that perhaps she isn't playing anymore.

She knows how dangerous a smile can be. She knows how Tailor had worn down her defences with his bright smiles and pretty eyes, she knows how attached she has become to her jailor – close enough to earn his trust, for him to promise to help her away from here and closer still. Too close to steal his keys whilst he sleeps and disappear without a trace.

It would be easy to pretend that her virginity had been part of the trade: sacred parts of her offered up in return for freedom. Perhaps in time to come she would rewrite this too, she would change Tailor like she'd changed Gray, she would remember him differently to the next boy in order to save herself.

The reality was that Tailor's kisses were replacing Gray's in her memory. That his kisses were so real, so present, so _amazing_ that it knocked all other thoughts from her head.

That scared her.

And what scared her more was how quickly she had gone from not-kissing him to wanting to all of the time. To climbing into his lap and pressing him into his bed, to their faces framed by the curtain of her long, dark hair; to her fingers under his t shirt and an obsession with the way his eyelashes fluttered when she touched him.

* * *

Lizzie had played cello at school, sung in the choir, been in the basketball team and had always sat in the bleachers dressed in school colours and waving flags at football matches. She'd loved art class – her art teacher had been fresh from college and dressed like a cross between a goth and a toddler – and had a strange knack with anything numbers related.

She told gleefully of the time she'd petitioned to be allowed to combine physics with maths and art and music. She'd led a protest about the choice of vegetarian food options in the canteen and took photos for the school newspaper.

"I interviewed someone once for the school newspaper" Jade smiled "I'd secretly always wanted to write for it but…I didn't really have a knack for gossip and slander"

Lizzie laughed "Gossip and slander? Your school sounds like an A-list party!"

Jade was laughing too "Something like that. Not that I was exactly the partying type. My friends were…sort of weird. It was more comic book debates, dungeons and dragons and fish and chips than crazy house parties and spin-the-bottle"

"I didn't have many girl friends. I hung out with some of the girls from the basketball team mainly; we'd shoot hoops and loiter in the skate park trying to get the attention of boys"

"My best friend Judy was boy-mad" The brunette told the other girl "But she was also sweet and kind and brave. She was probably meant to rule the world one day"

Her new friend gave her hand a gentle squeeze "Did she…?"

Jade gulped, eyes suddenly hot with tears "I don't know"

Their fingers linked together, holding on to each other for long moments until the tears had ebbed away and all that was left was that same sad, empty, numb feeling in the pit of her stomach she had been carrying around for months.

"She'd had such big plans. Aspirations. Career choices. Goals. Whereas I'd always just been a dreamer. I'd wanted to sing and travel. Play the flute in a meadow in every country in Europe and write poetry in Paris. I was an idiot"

Lizzie nudged their shoulders together "You still are a bit" She teased "My plan was taking a beaten down camper van across America and trying out for a music scholarship at Julliard" and then in a whisper "I'd also planned to try out for cheerleading senior year"

More laughter from the brunette who admitted, tone mimicking the other girls "I _was_ a cheerleader. For a few ridiculous weeks"

The other girl leapt to her feet at this with surprising agility considering her condition and began to recite a cheer routine. Jade joined in, her voice clear and sure on the roof.

This time the tears that followed were of nothing but pure delight.

* * *

The landscape spread out before her like a beautiful dream: sloping green hills opened up into each other, mimicking the delicate complexity of the petals on a rose. Knee length grass swished around her legs; in the distance was the persistent hum of crashing water. _Home_ , her heart beat with the feeling of it.

There was no fear here, no running. Her body felt weightless and free but grounded at the same time. _Tethered_. Her heart started to quicken.

He was a dark shape on the horizon. A shadow. The steady rise and fall of his long dark cape in the breeze was hypnotic. Her hair made the same motion, her own cape.

She blinked in surprise.

A large, wide brimmed hat obscured his face, but she already knew who it was. She didn't need to see him, she told herself, she would just know when she found him again.

The zing in her heart gave him away, the prickles on her arms, the calm, safe drum of her pulse.

 _Gray_.

He shook his head and held up a hand to her, urging her to stay back, though she hadn't attempted to move. This time when she said his name she did try to take a step forward but could not budge. Her feet were rooted to the spot, mired in mud. Panic started to grip at her throat.

 _Tiger_.

She could barely hear him over the sound of the waterfall rushing in her ears, the wind, her own voice yelling his name. And then she woke up.

* * *

"You say his name in your sleep"

Tailor had this way of saying things which made them feel non-confrontational, like he was just a casual observer on the world. She liked how he was direct without attacking. She liked that he said what was on his mind.

"I still dream about him a lot" She admitted, brave in his bed and in his arms now. His hair stuck up in the mornings and she liked to smooth it down with her fingers "I'm sorry"

Tailor smiled, brighter than the sun that wasn't up yet, lighting up the grey soaked room in an instant "You don't need to apologise. It's stupid to be jealous of someone who isn't around"

"It's stupid to be jealous when there's nothing to be jealous of" Jade said, but they both knew she was lying.


	9. Stupid, Weak Girl

He came for her after lunch, when she was wide awake and full and happy. When she was humming to herself and lining up the bottles on her dresser in height order. When she was thinking about her set that evening, the songs she would sing and in what order; imagining the way Tailor would look at her across the bar with his spotlight of a smile and the tip of his whiskey glass.

" _Mousey_ "

The singsong lilt of his voice cut through her; turned her insides to ice. She plastered on her fake-girl smile, big and bright and wide "Hi" she pressed her hands to her hips to stop them shaking. "Which dress should I wear tonight?"

Top Hat smiled back, eyes dark and drunk and predatory. "I don't think you're going to be singing tonight" He said, crossing to her dresser and unhooking the one that was aquamarine and shimmered like a mirror ball.

The one that Tailor said made her look like a mermaid as he'd unbraided her hair and kissed her shoulders and made her feel like she would never run away if it meant leaving him behind.

 _Stupid weak girl_.

"Tailor likes this one, doesn't he? Let me see"

Her fingers trembled as she started to unbutton her clothes, her heart hammered under her ribs. Her mouth was empty. She had forgotten to keep up her guard, to be alert, to remember what it was she needed to do and say to make him stop.

Top Hat just watched, from the edge of her bed, as she stripped to her underwear, fingering the hem of the dress he wanted her to wear. "He likes you, doesn't he?" his voice was as thick and suffocating as honey "What do you do that he likes _so much_?"

"I…" Jade's voice was nothing more than a squeak. _Frightened little mouse_.

His mouth was like a shark "Show me"

"I can't" She whispered, backing away, slow, small steps as to not spook him "Please don't make me"

"You know me; I'd prefer to _make_ _you_ " He got to his feet and left the dress behind "Or perhaps that's what you want…"

She realised then that he didn't want her. He just wanted to hurt her. To make her feel weak and afraid. For her to know that he was powerful and she was not; that he could break her whenever he wanted.

"I…" Damn her sweaty palms and her frightened heart. Damn the tears in her eyes and the terror creeping over her skin. "I…"

"I can understand why" Was what he went with, matching her moves, step by step, his eyes tracing the lines of her body "Though, I'm not sure he will want you quite as much when I'm finished"

All these weeks of sneaking around onto the roof and into Tailor's bed had not been good luck. It had not meant she was clever or fearless. He had _let_ her. He had wanted her to feel safe and brave and loved. He had wanted to watch the hope drain out of her.

Her back came into contact with the wall, her fingers steadying herself on the dresser. "Tailor and I have nothing. I just want to leave. All I've ever wanted was to go"

"He was always going to fall for you: the big, brave eyes and the sass. He's the most predictable person I know"

And then she knew that it had never been about her. Never. Not at all.

"Stay back" Jade said "I'm not afraid of you"

The flash of his blade caught in the sunlight "You should be" He used it to tuck her hair behind her ear. It was cool on her cheek and against her throat. Top Hat closed the space between them, pressing the air out from between their bodies.

When would she learn that everything she loved turned to ashes? When would she give up on hope and joy? Not until after the knife he held to her throat had sunk deep into her flesh, she decided. And maybe not even then.

He stroked the place on her shoulder where her bra strap met her skin, slipping it down and following the path to her breast with his fingers. "Don't touch me!" Jade pushed him back, not even caring that the knife was pulsing with her heartbeat, but he was stronger and slammed her back against the wall.

"Don't even think about screaming" He whispered placing his hand over her mouth and using his elbow to pin her arm above her head. When she didn't struggle, he smiled evenly. "You think I won't? Oh, how sweet. Even after everything you think I won't"

The opposite was true. She knew he _would_. She had bathed the skin and braided the hair of another girl who had come into contact with him and his blade. She could still see the blood on the bed and on _his_ t shirt when she closed her eyes.

But Top Hat was stronger than her. He was pinning her to the wall with his body and his shoulder and his arm. He wanted her to fight. To scream and scratch and struggle. That was what turned him on; that was why he did this to helpless girls.

Jade's body was a traitor then. She hated it. Tears dropped from her eyes onto his fingers, her body shook and squirmed and seized with pain as her drew the knife through the delicate flesh of her arm, slowly, whispering that it would only hurt for a second.

"You'll enjoy it" He promised.

Somewhere amongst the numbness and the fear were voices she recognised, her name and a struggle. She was slipping to the ground and his weight was heaved from her, knees buckling.

Fighting and crashing: the perfume and lotion bottles on her dresser smashed, the mirror shattered. Lizzie was screaming her name and _Alex, Alex! James! Please stop_.

Jade forced her eyes open. She saw the barmaid pulling at Top Hat's arm, saw him fling her off of him, knocking her to the door and the ground.

"Lizzie!" The brunette went to her, through the boys, dizzily, crawling to her on her hands and her knees. Feeling the trip of Top Hat's boot as he went over her and stalked from the room.

"I'm fine" Lizzie breathed, hands over her stomach, wincing a little "You're bleeding"

"I'm fine" Jade echoed, putting her hands on the bump too, for the first time and feeling the strange ripple of the unborn child under her fingers "The _baby_ "

The girls were reaching for each other, clinging to each other, embracing in a tight awkward hug around the bump. Both were shaking with fear and adrenaline, both held on like they might pass out if they didn't.

"Tailor" It was Lizzie's strained voice which stopped her brother from disappearing after the Tribe Circus leader "Jade's arm"

Tailor's eyes were full of fury, an angry burning hatred that she had never seen before. When they found her though, they softened: shame, sadness, fear. He dropped to his knees by the girls "Fuck" He breathed "We'll have to stitch it up"

Only then did she notice the plumes of red all over her skin, the dull persistent ache in her arm, the emptied out feeling. She reached for him desperately, pulling him in to the hug. Her and Lizzie and Tailor all huddled together in the bright sunlight "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you" she told them as her eyes started to roll.

"We're leaving" Was the last thing she heard "All of us. Tonight"


	10. Untethered

Tailor's stitches were incredibly neat. It was something she would remark on many times in the weeks and years to follow. The alcohol he'd made her drink to numb the pain had fogged up her head so that she felt like she was swimming.

Everything was far away, a dull echo in the back of her mind. Her fear was gone, her feelings diluted. She didn't feel anything but a strange weightlessness. She could barely muster the energy to pack her bag.

She wondered what the point was: of fighting; of struggling; of picking herself up each and every day just to get knocked back down again.

She wanted to write or sing. She wanted to pour herself out and say goodbye. She wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

Jade couldn't muster enough energy to care about leaving.

Natalie couldn't care about anything.

* * *

He was looking at her with solemn eyes. "Are you okay?"

Of course she wasn't, but she nodded. "Let's just get out of here"

Tailor's fingers knitted into her own with such a gentle familiarity that she felt dizzy. Or maybe that was the blood loss. The whiskey.

It was Lizzie who had sobbed. Brave, strong, determined Lizzie with her lopsided smile and big, fierce laugh. She wanted some time alone time to get it together, to smash things and rip up love notes Alex had given her.

No wait: it was _her_ who went in for all of that childish crap.

The bedroom was up flights of stairs, painful to climb now her shoes were filled with lead. Everything ached; especially her heart.

"I can't leave" Lizzie's face was streaked with tears. She looked all hot and manic and like she'd been climbing the walls since they'd last seen her. Things were tipped over, her bedclothes on the floor. Nothing looked quite right.

"We're _going_ " Tailor said "Even if I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you out"

This drew a faint, small smile from his sister "Cute" but then that smile disappeared; everything on her face crumpled. Her eyes darkened, her brow furrowed, her body arched over and she dropped to her knees, fisting the bedsheets and letting out a long, low sigh.

"Liz?" They both went to her, to their knees on the floor, staring in horror as this went on for an impossibly long amount of time. She came up from it sleepily, waking, shaking her head and looking tripped out.

"The baby" She said softly "I'm having it"

The _joy_ and _fear_ that wrapped around Jade's heart at those words meant that she suddenly couldn't breathe. Tailor took hold of his sister's shoulders "How often?" He asked "How long?"

"All the time" She said "All the time" With that she was gone again.

"I can't stay here" Jade whispered.

Tailor look at her hard "I know"

"Get away from here" Lizzie's voice was like a song, ethereal and twinkly "Both of you"

"No" His voice didn't sound as sure as his words "I won't leave you"

"I don't think I'm ever getting away from him" Was what she said before she went again.

The pain came and went in waves. Jade saw them creeping upon the other girl: the next one beginning before the last had left completely; they crashed her to her knees and curled her in onto herself. It was so surreal to watch the ripples over Lizzie's body, the heaves and strains of labour looking like the darkest black magic.

"Jade" Lizzie whispered " _Please_. Please go"

She couldn't. She couldn't will her numb, couldn't-care-less self to her feel nothing. She couldn't drag herself away from her friend who was in desperate need of strength and support. She knew then that she would give her every ounce of energy she had left.

"It's ok" Jade edged closer "We'll go tomorrow"

"I can't do this" Lizzie whimpered.

"Yes you can"

* * *

Humanity was strong. The human spirit. Human nature. Jade realised that now.

Things would come, time and time again, which would try to destroy them, _her_ , but the cells and molecules and magic she was made of would somehow find the strength to just keep going.

She knew all of this so clearly as she looked into Lizzie's eyes, as she marvelled at the new baby girl born into this crazy, broken world. As she touched her tiny fingers and wrinkly little face.

Amelia. _Amelia Jade_.

It was morning again but she knew that they would not be leaving. Not yet, not together. Lizzie had barely enough energy to be helped into bed; Tailor looked at her like his heart was already broken, like she had already gone.

* * *

"Will you come back?" Natalie wondered, wishing her voice didn't sound quite as shaky and afraid.

Gray shook his head, those dark eyes of his old and tired after everything he'd been through.

As she spoke again, she didn't even hide the creak "Will you come back for me?"

"It's better this way" He assured her, speaking again as she opened her mouth to say more "For both of us"

"Then I'll find you" She told him, eyes hard and determined. She blinked back tears and set her jaw "I'll come for you next time"

Gray's hand found hers. He held on to her. "Please don't. I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you caught up in any more of my mess"

"I already am" _I always will be_.

He pulled her to him, taking her by surprise "That's this life" He said into her hair "The next one can be different for you"

"I don't want it to be different" _I want you_.

When he stepped away that time, it really was meant to be the last time. She could see that etched on his handsome face, she knew that stern, stoic look miles off. He took hold of her other hand too, cupping them together. When he let them go, something familiar glittered in her palm.

"No" She breathed "Don't do that"

"It's done" And then, quieter "I'll never forget you"

Natalie held his gaze for a long time, surprised he didn't break it. Staring him down like a challenge. She studied his face, committing each line and blemish and hair to memory. To think she might never see him again … to think that even now he might not understand how much he meant to her … but she was still petrified. Petrified of admitting she'd given him her heart back when she'd given him that ring of hers.

The ring that now sat in her palm, given back, just like that.

"I don't want to do this" She told him, just so he knew and the dull gleam of his eyes let her know he felt the same "You don't _have_ to. It's stupid to do something out of ridiculous, warrior honour or whatever this is"

"This is it"

"Or you could take me with you"

"No way!" He held both of her shoulders "Don't come after me, you hear? Keep yourself as safe and as far away from me as you can"

"Okay" She breathed softly. With careful fingers she took the ring and tucked it back into the pocket it had come from "Okay. On one condition: you keep this"

Gray sighed in exasperation "You're so stubborn!"

" _I'm_ stubborn?" Natalie laughed "Oh, that's rich coming from you!"

From somewhere that might've been a million miles away in that moment a van engine revved like a cue. "Stubborn" Gray muttered "And _beautiful_ "

She blinked at that. And then she started laughing again. "So this is the moment you decide to tell me you think I'm beautiful? When you're walking away forever?"

"I…" He frowned "I've told you before"

"You really haven't"

It was Gray's turn to blush "I'm no good at this stuff, I'm messing it all up" and when she questioned what stuff he just looked at her hard and said " _Relationships_ " like that cleared the matter up.

The van revved again. And honked its horn. Somewhere nearby a dog started barking hysterically. "I've got to go"

"Just when it was getting interesting"

"You make this seem so easy"

"Do I? I'm a mess inside"

He opened his mouth to say something more but it was at that moment that the van came screaming around the corner, tearing through the moment. "Gray! Get your ass in the van. We've got to go, now"

Gray flicked his eyes at the driver "Wait!"

"Now!" She insisted.

"Natalie…"

The girl held up her hands in defeat, a sad smile on her lips and a surprising lack of tears in her eyes.

He looked between her and the van, took two steps away from her and then stopped. " _Wait_ " He said again and this time it was to her.

"I'd wait my whole life for you Gray Zachary" She whispered.

When he turned back his eyes were full of fire and purpose, a determination she had never seen. He looked pained by those words but the faintest hint of colour flushed on his neck "I won't ask you to do that"

"I know" _But I would. If you asked. And maybe even if you won't._

And then he kissed her.

* * *

They sat side by side on the grassy verge, fingers intertwined and her head on his shoulder. They both still stank of violence and blood, though they'd washed and changed and were far away from the casino.

Jade wondered if the scent was burned into her nostrils, if she'd ever enjoy the smell of fresh air ever again. Her heart skittered and her stomach knotted into an angry fist. The tears that threatened from the night before would still not come.

"I've got to get back to Lizzie and the baby" Tailor told her, tightening his grip rather than loosening it. He didn't ask her to come back with him and she wouldn't offer.

Her vision blurred suddenly with those tears "This is all I wanted and you've given me it" she breathed "Freedom. The chance to carry on after him but…I'm done with Gray"

His voice was a sad smile "I don't think you are, not yet, not quite"

"I want to be"

"I know" He sighed "Will you come back?"

"No. But you could come with me. Now. Today" Jade suggested but already knew it wouldn't happen. A baby and another broken heart would weigh too heavily on them both. "I don't want to say goodbye"

So they didn't. Instead he kissed her, whilst her tears fell between them. He brushed them away with his thumbs.

"It'll be better this way" She breathed against his lips "For both of us"

She felt Tailor's smile against her mouth "I could've loved you Jade, if you'd let me"

"It's Natalie" was her simple reply "My real name"

He tried it out, a smile of her name playing on his lips, eyes sparkling with tears and affection. And then he kissed her once more. And she kissed him, hoping that he knew how much he meant to her, that he had brought such sunshine into her life and her heart. That he had made her remember who she used to be before her world had been turned upside down by…

She wished she could have loved him back, she wished she could fully love _anyone_ , but that ability seemed to have disappeared from her altogether. The petals of her heart were wrinkled and dead, the fight long-gone, her hope: lost.

All she felt inside as the kiss came to an end was sad and numb. _Untethered_.


End file.
